Thoughts can kill
by MilkandCookies3
Summary: When he looks in the mirror, he hates what he sees. [tw: suicide attempt, mostly takes place in hospital]
1. Reflections and pills

**A/N~ So this is the first chapter of my new fanfic. This might be a little more grown up than the show its self. I have no idea what possessed me to write this but here it is. Warning: guys this contains depression and suicide attempts. I'm not sure why I'm writing about it this subject so heavily. If this triggers you do not read. Please do not ever do this.**

 _12:43am_

The room was silent except for the soft sound of the ceiling fan. The rest of the family was asleep. But once again there Max was awake, thinking about all the negative aspects of life, making things worse by the minute. He had been going through a rough time.

Thinking. Thinking about everything wrong with him. Finding all his current insecurities and picking out new ones. From the big and known, like how he believes he's not a great hero like his twin sister is. To the little and irrational, like how he thinks he's too skinny. Or just the crazy things, like how he thinks he's unlovable.

More thoughts rushed over his mind but all about people. Family. Friends. Strangers. Enemies. All had one thing in common. They all judged him. He thought about all the things his family (especially his parents) have said to him. How he's stupid. And nobody wants him around. He couldn't disagree with them though.

A tear rolled down the young boy's cheek. Thoughts and bad memories rushed over his mind like waves till he was sobbing. But then Max realized he was going to wake up Colosso. He stepped out of the soft bed and walked To the cage. Max starred at the sleeping animal for a few seconds.

The wooden floor squeaked as he walked. He stopped in front of a full length mirror. Max frowned at what he saw before him.

"You're worthless. You know that? You have no propose on this earth. You're disgusting, a sorry excuse for a person.." His reflection spoke. "Nobody wants you. Good god your own parents even hate you!"

Max started walking again but was still hearing his own voice screaming these things to him. It just went on and on reminding him that he's terrible and bringing back the god awful memories of the ways he's been treated. The more he heard it the more he knew it was right. And he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Kill yourself. You can end it all. Just kill your self!" The voice shouted. And louder and louder it got repeating the same two words. "Kill yourself."

"I will." Max said softly to himself.

Max went up the staircase and into the kitchen. He opened the medicine cabinet and took a hand full of his fathers medicine. Each pill was 180ml Right then was when Max realized what he'd just done and that there was no way of getting out of it. For the most part he didn't care. He went through hell majority of his life. But there was still that little something that bothered him about it.

 _1:11am_

Max paced around his room. He felt slightly dizzy. When were the pills going to kick in? He had written a letter to his family, telling them he loved them. He doubted they'd care (they really would care though).

Max sat down in front of that mirror again. He slouched and moved his hands on to his head. Max looked at himself straight in the eye and then covered them with his hands.

"Why aren't you dead? You didn't take enough pills!" His reflection was once again shouting at him. And this time he shouted back.

"I took a hand full! I'm sure I'll be out by tomorrow!"Max screamed at the mirror waking up his colosso. "Then it'll all be over. No more pain." Max whispered to himself.

"Max? W-who are you talking to?"

Max didn't answer. He stood still and starred into the mirror crying. His vision was starting to blur and his own voice attacking him was all he heard.

"All you do is fuck up. You even failed at killing yourself."

Max was getting more delirious by the second. Losing feeling in his limbs and his head was pounding. He knew that he was dying. He started to say stuff to the mirror. Colosso had never seen his friend like this. And then as he fell his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

"HANKKKK! BARRBB!"

 _1:49am_

Phoebe saw her father carry her brother out to the thundervan. His skin was so pale, almost like the skin of an alibino. Max was still alive though. Her twin, Her other half, her best friend, her partner in crime. He's still alive. Barely though.

Her mother had been trying to keep him stable until her father had gotten the thundervan ready. Now she's with Chloe who's innocent little mind has no idea whats going on. But Barb has been a mess just like any mother would be in this situation. Especially if it's the baby they always want to protect.

Nora, well, she's crying her eyes out. Phoebe has never seen her like this. She sat in the back with Hank and Max on the way there and told Max all kinds of stories (though she doubts he can her). Billy doesn't really understand what's going on. He thinks Max has the flu and it got bad. So nobody's going to tell him

And Hank. He blames himself. He read the letter. Max wrote how he thought nobody loved him and how the family hurt him. All Hank could do was blame himself. Remembering all the times he made the child cry (and not over a punishment). He hid the note from the others. The guilt was eating him alive. Right now though, all he could do was pray.


	2. Files

**A/N~ Hey guys so I'm back with a second chapter for you. I just wanted to make it clear that I didn't write for Max to always hear these voices and stuff. It's just where he'd been going through a rough time and had a mental breakdown. So I just wanted to make that clear. But omg I did so much research.**

 _3:35am_

There Max was. Lying in the white bed, in the middle of the white room, in the ICU. Room 324. He had a tube snaked up his nose and multiple IVs in his arms. Hank was sitting beside the bed, running his hand through his son's thick, brown hair.

Phoebe had never seen her father so distraught. Especially over Max. Her mother she expected but her father? Who would've thought she'd see the strongest man in the world cry. She saw a slim, blonde Doctor enter the room.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Caroline King, is this the family of Maximus Thunderman?" She spoke. Her voice was kinda of raspy.

"Um, yes." Barb said while trying to wipe her tears.

"Well, Maximus is for the most part stable. We're going to keep a very close eye on him after what we've seen with him in the past hour. We'll take good care of him, I promise." Dr. King put her hand on Barbs shoulder to assure her that he'd be okay.

 _ **Notes:**_

 _*arrived and settled in ICU at 2:23am_

 _*overdose of unknown medication_

 _* unconscious since arrived_

 _* IV: Acetadote, Cetylev_

 _* heart rate: current: 84 arrival: 113_

 _* oxygen level: without ventilator: 56% with ventilator: 97%_

 _* blood pressure: 147/98_

 _*bleeding in gastrointestinal tract (possible need of surgery)_

 _*Went into cardiac arrest at 2:45am_

 _*seizure at 3:15am_

 _*Currently stable_

 _ **Files:**_

 _ **1. Demographic information **_

**Name:** Thunderman, Maximus Octavius

 **Date of birth:** 2/17/2000

 **Age:** 16

 **Weight:** 163lbs

 **Height:** 5"8

 **Blood type:** O negative

 **Super abilities:** super intelligence, telekinesis (strong), heat breath, ice breath, thunder sense, skilled in hand-to-hand combat

 **Guardianship:** Hank and Barb Thunderman

 **School/work:** Hiddenville high school

 **Grade (if available):** 10

 **Residential area:** Hiddenville, Ohio

 **Emergency contact:** parents

 **Zip code:** 356736

 ** _2\. Medical history_**

 **Prescribed Medications:** Zoloft, Claritin 

**Diagnoses (physical):** appendicitis (previously)

 **Allergies:** Pollen

 **Fractured/broken bones:** Skull, tibia , ulna, talus, two ribs

 **Speech:** Normal

 **Sight:** 20/20

 **Procedures:** appendectomy, endoscopy

 **Psychiatric history:** Avoidant personality disorder, borderline depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, frequent suicide thoughts, one attempt

 **Other:** severe nose bleeds

 ** _3\. Mental content_**

 **Obsessions:** Being perfect. Being good at things he try's. Being a super villain. Getting attention. Being special and unique. Things going right. Room being clean.

 **Intelligence:** high

 **Memory:** decent

 **Behavior (describe):** Immature. He often acts childish and gets in trouble more than the average teenager. Is quite impulsive. Usaully doesn't show emotion. 

**Social skills:** Impaired

 **Attention:** average

 **Fears/Phobias:** Needles, the dark, showing weakness, being alone (emotionally/mentally)

 **Other:** used to go to a therapist, iis convinced he's useless, has a belief that he is hated, has many (mostly irrational) insecurities.

 ** _4\. Presented issue_**

Max had been feeling depressed and overdosed with a currently unknown drug. He's now in the intensive care unit. Before being treated he had high heart rate, low oxygen levels, and high blood pressure. (See notes for details) Also he's had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest. There has been internal bleeding and he has remained unconscious since time of arrival. 

**_5\. Note from Maximus to family_**

 _Dear family,_

 _I'm really, really sorry. All I've done my whole life is screw everything up. I just broke everything I touched. And I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say besides that. I tried my best. I really never meant to hurt anyone or destroy everything in my path, that was before I wanted to be a villain anyways. But even then. I'm sorry I always ruined the fun. That when ever I was around the mood had to be bad. I know you didn't really ever want me. You meant what you said when you teased me. I knew you didn't like me because you always pushed me away. But it's okay. You don't have to put up with me anymore. But I want you to know that I love all of you. Even though I rarely ever said or showed it. I love you guys more than anything. And I'm sorry I was always being mean to you Phoebe. I'm sorry I told people you weren't my sister and I'm sorry that I made Link break up with you and I'm sorry for all the horrible things I did to you._

 _I'm sorry for being a bad person. I'm sorry Mom and Dad that I'm not the son you wanted. All I ever tried to be my whole childhood was the perfect kid (most of my life I tried to be a perfect person though). But I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't be a good hero, I couldn't make a friend, all I could do was make a good grade and now I can't even do that. I really did try my best. But no matter what I do I'll always be a worthless piece of shit with no point in living. So if you're wondering that's why I killed myself._

 _3:47am_

Before Hank handed the letter to the doctor to put in the file, he let his wife read it. As much as he knew it would tear her to peices, she deserved to read what her son had written. And as he expected, Barb was distraught. How could he have thought about himself like this? And how could her baby think he was unwanted? My God, Max, has always felt like this. Barb felt so sick at thought of what her eldest has been going through.

Barb put her head on her husbands shoulder and softly cried again. It was supposed to be her job as a mother to make sure he was okay. And she failed at that. She let her baby think he was unloved and worthless.

"Hank, it's our fault." Her voice cracked when she spoke.

"I know."


	3. The Idea

**A/N- Okay so I'm back and I'm sorry it's been a long time. I meant to update it 2 weeks ago. So just to let you know I went back and changed a lot in chapter 2 to fit with this chapter. Basically like the severity of Max's condition and some other things. You'll understand what I mean by "to fit with this chapter" after you read it. I should've done better research because I knew what I was going to write. But this is a pretty shitty chapter, so I'm sorry.**

 _4:15 am_

Phoebe had pulled a chair close to her brother's bedside. She gently stroked his hand with her thumb and observed his dead looking face. Long eyelashes, full lips. We look nothing alike, she thought. The sound of his ventilator gave her chills. Just knowing he was only alive because of life support freaked her out, but seeing the actual proof? It crushed her. Knowing her other half was on the verge of death was too much to handle. It's like Max took whatever pain he was carrying and passed it on to her. And dear lord, it hurt. So bad she could physically feel it.

She sighed. Why? Why'd he do this? Why couldn't it have had no side affects? Why is the medicine not helping, why is Max worse? One of the feelings mixed amongst sadness and fear was anger. Phoebe was frustrated with the world right now. Just how cruel had it been to him? Apparently very, and the thought of people hurting him made her angrier. Little did Phoebe know, that her jokes and comments were a major effect.

She pulled his arm to the railing of the bed, then rested her head on it. Being close to Max made her feel a little better. Because Phoebe knew he was still here.

Barb watched her daughter through the glass window of the room. All she could do was frown, because nobody could be hurting more than Phoebe. Well, maybe except Max himself. Barb knew his condition was getting worse by the minute. Her eyes were bloodshot and dropping. The only thing she could do was blame herself.

Billy and Chloe were setting in their father's lap asleep. Hank was trying to contact a therapist so if, no not if, _when_ max woke up he'd be able to get out his feelings.

"Mr. and Mrs. Thunderman? May I talk you for a second?" Dr. King whispered while motioning toward the end of the hallway.

Both nodded and followed her.

"So we know that Max took a drug, as in a medication, we aren't exactly sure what though. With your son's symptoms we assume it was a type of blood thinner. And if it is then, then that's a serious problem. Do either of you happen to be on a medication as such?" The woman spoke while looking at her clipboard.

"Yes, I am." Hank said as he covered his face with his hands. His wife stroked his back.

"Okay, well that's a lead. Now um," cleared her throat. "If you don't mind, would one of you go home and see if you can find the pill bottle? So that way we can get better information."

"Hank?" Barb turned her head. The three started to walk back to the room.

"Of course. But the drive is about an hour and forty-five minutes." He said with a worried expression. That's a long time to leave him.

"That's okay. Maximus should be okay and if not we'll take care of him." She promised. The young woman looked through the window. She felt sorry for the poor boy. She prayed he'd wake.

 _4:58am_

Phoebe remembered when they were little and they played together all day. He'd even play with her Barbie dolls and my little ponies. They'd always get up early on Saturday mornings to play "wii sports". Sometimes they were a little too competitive but it was okay. She remembered her first period. They both cried because they thought she was going to bleed out. She chuckled a little at the memory.

Then she felt a little guilty because she let them drift apart. She kinda just left Max on his own, while she went off with her friends, forgetting who her best friend really was. As the bad memories started to role in she understood why he got depressed.

He was bullied really badly and there were certain events that she witnessed but could never forget. Those times when she did nothing. How she just let her brother get bruises and burns. Then something crossed her mind.

There was a boy, he used to pick on Max but he had once dated Phoebe. He had healing powers. Could heal anything and anyone. Phoebe sat up and her eyes went wide. If she could just get him to heal Max. He might not but she was desperate. And in times of desperation, some people would do anything.

Phoebe stood up and kissed Max's hairline.

"It's going to be okay. You'll wake up soon. I'm going to fix you." She whispered in his ear and gave him a sad smile.

She walked out of the room slowly and went to Chloe.

"Chloe, wake up." Phoebe shake her lightly. "I need you to take me somewhere."


	4. All is well in the end

**A/N- Okay so this is the final chapter and after this I'm going to start another fanfic. So this is really long because it's the content of two chapters put together but I wanted this to be the last one so. Thanks for reading, favoriting, and reviewing!**

 _5:30am_

Hank pulled into the drive way of his suburban home. He entered through the back door so he could have immediate access to the kitchen. He searched the counters and floor for the orange bottle. It occurred to him his son may have thrown it away due to the possibility Max took them _all_.

So Hank looked through the trash but still found nothing. His next assumption was that it was in Max's room.

He slowly walked down the steps into the blue lit room. Hank got a bit distracted from his task and started to observe his eldest' room. There were several gadgets in sight. All ones that Max had built himself. There were many calculators and some books on chemistry (advanced ones too, not like high school textbooks). Maybe there was some intelligence behind Max's pretty face and sarcasm.

But the next thing the man thought was, just how many computers had he bought the boy? Or _how many were from Barb as gifts?_

There were multiple journals too. Some that seemed as if they were filled with science experiments. And another that Hank thought to be his diary considering it looked different and it was locked. He was a bit taken back that Max had a diary but it was most likely his mother's idea.

The more he looked at it the more he was tempted to read. That's not what I'm here for, Hank thought to himself. But it wouldn't hurt to see what his son was really feeling.

 _5:30am_

Phoebe gripped her sister's small hand as she stood on the porch of what she hoped to be David Aquaman. She was nervous since she hadn't seen this boy in years (and also he kinda hates her brother so she wasn't at all sure if he'd heal him).

"Okay Chloe" Phoebe picked up her younger sister and sat her in a chair. "Just sit here until I get back okay?"

The little girl nodded and Phoebe smiled. It's a good thing she was tired or she'd already be gone. Phoebe slowly approached the door as anxiety was gnawing at her. She prayed she wouldn't wake up his parents.

She knocked loudly, a little too loudly and she scrunched her face at her mistake. The door opened a few minutes later.

"Phoebe?" A boy stood at the door with a confused look on his face. He had black hair and green eyes. And was about 6"foot tall and shirtless (you could really tell he worked out). Dear lord had he gotten sexy since the last time she saw him.

"Yeah, it's me." She said softly looking at the ground. "I didn't wake your parents up, did I?"

"Nah, they're not home. But what are you doing here?" He scratched his head and leaned against the door frame.

"Um, you see, you remember Max right?" She clenched her teeth. He nodded and she proceeded.

"Well, he's in the hospital, in a coma. And he's really close to dying." She finally broke down. "And I know you don't like him but I'm begging you to please heal him. I'll do anything, I'll even sleep with you."

"Well, I was going to do it out of the goodness of my heart but since you said you'd have sex with me." The boy smirked. Phoebe gave him a glare. "Woah easy there, I was kidding. I'll heal Max."

"Really? I thought you hated him."

He sighed "Hate is a strong word. I just merely dislike Max and plus, we were kids. And even if I did hate him, I wouldn't let him die." The teen said as if it were obvious.

"Thank you." Phoebe said as she stared into his large green eyes. "You know, I know we were only thirteen when we dated but I may still have feelings for you." She said as she got closer to him. She stood one her tip toes and kissed the tall boy.

"I could do this all day but don't you have a sick brother we need to get back to?" He smiled and raised an eyebrow.

Phoebe quickly pulled away remembering Max. She pulled her hair out of her face.

"Yes, yes I do."

 _5:51am_

Hank tore the metal lock of the journal without effort. He knew Max wouldn't want him looking through his personal stuff like this but he had too. The first few pages were mainly about girls he liked and his band. But after about five or six pages in it started getting a little deeper.

He read one page which was written on the date Max smoked a cigar for the first time. He'd written that he didn't really want to again but Hank couldn't be sure if Max had smoked more after that.

He also found that when Max had been telling them about talking to Dark Mayhem, he had been telling the truth. Hank had thought he made it up for attention. And apparently the villain had talked to him in nasty ways.

Then he read one to were there were multiple pages about the family and Hank himself. Pages that said they hated Max. And more revolving around his depression and insecurities. It was definitely heart aching to read.

But what shocked the hero more than anything Max had written about himself, was what he'd written about his sister. Hank had never thought his Phoebe would do anything like this. On one page it talks about her having sex and another it says Max had to help her home when she got drunk at a party. How has he not realized what was going on with his two eldest?

He quickly shut the book and started looking for the pill bottle again. He found it on the ground beside a mirror. He hadn't taken them all but there was only three left.

"How is he?" Dr. Colosso spoke with a intense feeling of anxiety. Hank had never heard such concern come out of his mouth.

"In a coma." Hank spoke softly and harshly. Not wanting to discuss his son's condition, especially with the villain he couldn't stand.

"Is he going to wake up? Can I go back with you?" The rabbit asked.

"No. We can't just take a talking rabbit to the hospital, even if it is for heroes. And why do you even care? You're a super villain." Hank stared at the rabbit waiting for an answer.

"I care because Max is my friend. I have feelings for the boy."

"That's disgusting. You're fifty some years old and he's a child. There's no way you're ever dating my son." Hank snarled in disgust.

"Not what I meant Hank. He's like a son to me." He rolled his eyes. couldn't believe he just got accused of having a sexual desire for a child.

"But he's not _your_ son, Max is _my_ son."

"And you didn't have an interest in him until he was dying." The rabbit said back.

"That's not true. Of course I had an interest in him. Max is just...difficult. I've never really known who to deal with his disorders and after that one incident we had I didn't want to hurt him again. So I backed away and I guess ignored him making it worse. And when his little phase came along I couldn't handle it. I haven't been very good to him, but I most certainly love my son." Hank finally let out his feelings and it generally felt good. A few tears fell from his eyes.

"Don't tell me that, tell Max that." Colosso said but secretly he had some sympathy for his enemy.

"It's kinda hard to do that when he's in a coma." Hank rolled his eyes. "You know what, I'll let you tag along, _As a human."_

 _5:51am_

Phoebe was now back in the hospital but this time with David. They were currently standing at the side of Max's bed.

"Do you think you can heal him?" Phoebe asked with fear shining through her voice. A moment ago she had heard the doctor tell her mother that Max may be alive because of life support, but he'd never wake up and is technically dead. The thought of her brother being gone filled her with panic.

"Maybe. If I can though, he's not going to wake right away." He said with some hope, trying not to make the worst of the situation.

"I'm sorry." The boy frowned and put a hand on Phoebe's shoulder.

She gave him a sad smile and nodded as to indicate he can try now.

David step toward the boy. He put his hand over Max's forehead and a faint, white light appeared. It got brighter the longer he held it on there. Max's color started to come back to him and he slowly started to look less ill over all. When David lifted his hand he gently pulled the tubes from Max's nose. And he was managing to breathe perfectly fine.

Phoebe started to cry tears of joy and kissed David as a token of thanks. She went to her brother then and held his hand.

 _6:45am_

Max slowly opened his eyes. The light was a little bright for him. He was unhooked from all IVs, ventilators, etc. His family (and some other people he was assuming one was a doctor and the other boy he had no idea) and they all started to shower him with hugs.

He sat up. A bit taken back by why he was in perfect health condition.

"Max, honey, are you alright?" His mother asked as she run her hand through his hair.

"I'm fine" Max said as he pushed her hand back "but I don't know how." He spoke in a tone that was a mixture of confusion and annoyance.

"I asked David to heal you." Phoebe said gripping Max's hand. She was not expecting this as his reaction.

"I didn't want to be healed. I wanted to die. Nobody asked you to save me." Max spoke angrily.

"Maybe I should give you guys a moment." David said as he walked out of the room. Phoebe sighed at Max's ridiculousness. He should be happy about this, not angry. She was about to yell at him until her father spoke.

"Max, I think we need to talk about this." Hank said gently.

"Sorry I don't do 'chick flick' moments." Max snarled trying to keep from showing his real feelings. They may all ready know, but he's still not showing his weak side.

"Max." His father said softly and his eyes were shining with concern. He grabbed his son's hand and that's when Max broke down. He started to cry hysterically and his father held him.

"I'm sorry Max. I don't hate you, I love you. And I want you to be happy. I'm sorry you feel so insecure. Look at me, you're not worthless, you're not unlovable, you're not stupid. You're the exact opposite of those things. You don't have to be perfect, nobody's perfect. But in my eyes you're amazing just the way you are. Okay?" Hank said trying to calm him down.

"No I'm not. I'm a bad person. And you don't love me, you never have loved me. None of you do because I'm terrible. I'm mean and nasty to all of you."

"No, not always. You weren't mean until about a year ago" Phoebe laughed "You were the sweetest kid ever. And even now you're not really bad. We're mean to you. And listen to what you're saying. If we didn't love you then why would we be here? Why would I try to bring you back to life? It's because I love you Max." She gave him a hug.

"I love you too." He said.

 _A few weeks later_

Max was recovering greatly and his depression and AVPD were starting to fade away. He had become a lot closer to his father and talked to him more in the past few weeks than in most of his life.

He Phoebe (who had gotten in much trouble for the things her father had found out) had started spending Saturday's together just like they used too. And Phoebe was in a happy, long distance relationship with David. Things had also cooled of between him and Max.

His mother had him openly talk about things with her every once in awhile so he would stop holding things in. Life was starting to get a whole lot better.


End file.
